Here is Rori’s story about her own relationship and how she healed her relationship by doing exactly the opposite of what she had been doing for a very long time.

Have you ever felt like your relationship is just drifting away from you?  And your heart feels like it’s taken a direct hit?  Where you feel absolutely wounded?

I remember feeling so NEGLECTED by my husband.  There was so much frustration and sadness in the space between him and me, on top of all the sleepless, miserable nights I spent alone – curled up on the rug, crying, or just walking the house while he slept.  What I wanted, what I NEEDED, was HEALING.  I needed someone to wave a magic wand over me and heal my relationship, and then heal my heart.

I tried therapists and healers of all kinds, and the hole in my heart just got deeper and deeper, and the distance between my husband and I just got bigger and bigger.   What I didn’t know then was that not only could I heal myself, and fast, but that I could heal my relationship, too.

I spent so much time trying to figure my husband out, and figure out why things were going wrong, and figuring out how to GET HIM TO DO what I wanted him to do and ACT how I wanted him to ACT.  But every time I opened my mouth, it was like he was telling me with the look on his face and the coldness of his body language that I’d once again “put my foot in it.”

Every time I tried to “talk” about what was going on with us, it backfired.   Things just got worse and worse, to where I was afraid to even speak.  And remember, I was a fairly successful person in every other part of my life – I was outgoing, smart, a working actress. I’d even learned how to put a business together on my own.  But here I was – afraid to SPEAK to my husband.

So there I was, walking on eggshells during the day and staying up all night trying to figure things out.  And everything I was doing was more damaging than if I’d done nothing.  Walking on eggshells was destroying trust in my marriage.  He stopped trying to communicate with me.  And I, so frustrated by not being able to have things the way I wanted, started doing even MORE of it MYSELF.

I was carrying my household, my life, and my marriage all in my own arms – all by myself.  If this sounds familiar, know that you can turn this around like I did, using the Tools I created for myself.  I was doing so much “figuring out,” it was taking up all my time and energy.

Until I finally “figured out” how to undo all the damage my “figuring out” had done, how to truly CONNECT with my husband again, and how to HEAL my relationship – all in ONE MOMENT!  And that was the moment I STOPPED trying to Figure Things Out.

I’d been so tense and overworked and anxious, I’d just kept going, no matter what.  I’d been jumping over obstacles I’d created for myself, I’d worked hard to fix things, and I’d worked hard at being cheerful and positive.  I could have exploded.  I could have blown a fuse or gotten really sick.

Instead, in a moment of utter frustration, I just STOPPED.  I sat down on the floor and didn’t have dinner ready.   I stayed on the floor, watching my daughter play with a toy, and I didn’t get up to welcome my husband home.  I could hear the coldness in his voice and even though I felt the fear in my body screaming at me that I would lose everything if I didn’t jump up and make everything “better,” I stayed put.

I didn’t try to make everything “better.”   Instead, I watched our daughter play on the floor right in front of me.  I watched my husband go straight to her, hug and cuddle and kiss her and practically IGNORE ME, and then cuddle and kiss our cat and IGNORE ME, and I sat there, feeling like I was dying without his attention, affection and love.

And then, in two completely surprising minutes, it all changed.  As he walked away from our daughter and our cat and went to take his work clothes off, I could feel my mind running, spinning, going a mile a minute trying to figure out HIS mind.  I thought and tried to “figure things out” through every second of those two very long  minutes.

I MADE myself stay on the floor and not run after him to ask how his day went and be a “good” wife even though I worked, too.   And then the Magic Wand appeared.  It was like a moment of light and quiet in my dark and busy mind.   Just as I’d simply NOT gotten off the floor, I stopped thinking.

I focused on my daughter, looked at her face, looked at the paintings on the walls, looked at my own clothes and started thinking about how fun it would be to go shopping for MYSELF instead of the HOUSEHOLD, and before I knew it an amazing thing happened.

He walked over to me.  He sat down next to me.  I thought he was there for our daughter, but he was there for ME.  He looked at me.  I smiled at him.  And in that one moment, we CONNECTED.

If you had told me then that just NOT doing what I always did (and it might be different things for you that you always do and can stop doing) would make so much difference in my relationship, I would have rolled my eyes.  I never would have believed you.

From there, I started feeling stronger.  I stopped doing more and more, and to my never- ending surprise, the less I did, the more space I allowed between us, the CLOSER he wanted to come to me!

And then, even more amazingly, as I started practicing this early version of my LeanBack Tool, I started to feel different inside.   I got my confidence back.  I started to FEEL more powerful.  I saw that my husband craved closeness as much as I did, he just didn’t know how to do it.  He couldn’t put his finger on what was pushing him away from me.

He wanted to cuddle.  He wanted to initiate sex.  Actually, he wanted to Make Love to me.  He started looking FORWARD to bedtime and cuddling up and kissing. He could never have given me the advice I needed to inspire him like this, because he didn’t understand it himself.  (I still don’t talk about any of this to him, not because I want to keep secrets, but because it’s not about HIM!)  And this is where the HEALING happens.   By staying put on the floor, I was paying attention to ME.  By not jumping up and all of a sudden making him the focus of my life, I was focusing on MYSELF and what felt good to ME at the moment, which was sitting and watching my daughter.

(And by the way, you may have done these kinds of things before – pulling away, not doing what you may have done for him before, but out of ANGER and RESENTMENT.   And the key to the whole thing working is that as soon as my man DID come over and sit beside me – I SMILED.  I was warm, I welcomed him.  If I had been angry or resentful, he likely would have felt it and not come over and sat down at all, or he would have gotten up quickly, or turned his full attention to our daughter instead of to me.

If I’d been UNWELCOMING, I might have gotten totally involved in playing with our daughter and hardly even LOOKED at him.  I might have deliberately, or unconsciously SHUT HIM OUT.  I would have been cold.   And that made all the difference.

And that’s how I healed my relationship.  Practically overnight.  And now you can do it, too.

As women, we are often taught to approach things within a relationship in a manner that is 100% the opposite of helpful behavior. It’s not our fault – because often the approach we use and the behavior we display SOUNDS completely rational.

I mean, if your boyfriend is pulling away and you show him that you need him, as a man, as a caregiver and protector, that should make him want you more, right? Show him your vulnerability and, if he is a real man, he will want to soothe it and make it go away.

Actually – when you are dealing with a fear of commitment, that is incorrect.

Here is a great question from a reader on HER experience with fear of commitment:

Dear Sarah,

I have a boyfriend with fear of commitment. He wants me to wear a promise ring but he has such a fear about marriage that when he fell in love with me he started getting distant & I couldn’t talk about the future with him without him looking like a deer caught in headlights! So I gave his ring back & told him I couldn’t promise him I wouldn’t date, but he said he wasn’t going to. He is going to a counselor for help. He was bringing me down, he was hot then cold, that hurt me so that’s when I gave the ring back. When I didn’t see him for 2 weeks .and told him I dated another man, he was crushed! He did not believe I would do that. I love him, what do I do to get him over this fear of commitment? Please help me!

Sincerely,

C

My answer to C…

Thank you for writing in with your relationship problems. C- fear of commitment is such a common problem in relationships today; you need to know that you are not alone! The wonderful thing is, you are handling this correctly. Let me explain.

One of the first reactions that women have when faced with fear of commitment is to become demanding, needy or clingy. The thought process behind this actually causes more relationship problems than it fixes, though. When a woman becomes clingy or needy, instead of a man rising to the occasion and helping her like she dreams he will, he often pulls away, becoming distant or hot/cold.

Instead, if you use a tactic like Leaning Back, such as Rori Raye describes in her Have the Relationship You Want eBook, you are much more likely to get the results you are looking for and end your relationship problems.

Now, what you are doing is correct. You need to lean back, as Rori Raye says, and give HIM the space to Lean Forward. By you dating other men and showing him that you will not be bound by a commitment he is not willing to make, you are showing him that you are independent of him, in demand and not going to wait around. It’s perfect!

I know it may not FEEL like you are doing the right thing, because he is hurting because of it. BUT – if he is going to make a genuine commitment to you, then he needs to do it and quit walking the edge between commitment and freedom. If he will not give you the commitment, then he IS giving you freedom – and you need to take it. It’s either one or the other – there IS no in between.

A promise ring, in my mind, represents an immature commitment. Either hi will or he won’t – he cannot promise to promise, if you know what I mean. And as long as you are NOT committed to him, then you need to be dating other people and learning what else is out there. So in spite of what your emotions are telling you – feeling guilty about his pain, wanting to “fix” what is wrong with him by giving in and letting things go back to the way they were – you are CORRECT in dating other people and refusing a “half-commitment” when dealing with fear of commitment from your boyfriend.

To read more on how to deal with fear of commitment, educate yourself by visiting the section on Rori Raye on my website by clicking here: Rori Raye.

Hi Sarah,

I have a question for which I need some relationship advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, but recently about 4 months back his parents decided to separate and get a divorce.  My boyfriend is 27, (and I’m 26) and he has taken the divorce really badly, and has been forced to choose sides.  He has been using tranquilizers and alcohol to kill the pain and as an escape from the situation.

He told me that he needs time and space to be alone.  I have given him space, though it’s really hard… I haven’t seen him in four weeks.

He is a great guy, kind and affectionate, really funny and loves life, though now I feel with the divorce situation he is losing his love of life, and I really worry for him. He has just stopped calling of late, and whenever I call he does not pick my call, and he doesn’t call back. So I haven’t called or texted him for a couple of days.
I have read all the articles, about not calling a guy, that they like the chase, but isn’t this situation different since he is going through a hard time in life?
My questions are how can I reach out to him when he doesn’t pick the call?  Should I keep calling him or will that turn him off? Should I text him, even though I don’t get a reply?
And is the fact that he doesn’t call a sign that our relationship is not going in the right way?
I feel our great relationship is slipping away…

I’m very confused with the whole situation; I need your help and advice!

Thank you!

Marie

Hey Marie-

Anyway, I see that your situation IS different, and I think we need to treat this not even so much as a relationship question, but as a question of humanity.  I can also address this from my own experience, as well.

I am one of those people, too, who tend to withdraw automatically when facing great hurt or pain.  It’s not so much that he does not want to see you or talk to you; I think it’s that he wants to ignore the pain, and push down his feelings because they HURT.  He may be lying there crying at night or in the shower where no one can see him, and wishing desperately that you were there, but at the same time, being unable to reach out to you.

Ironically, for me, the key to understanding this about myself has been my best friend.  I have been friends with my best friend, Marilyn, for….wow, going on 27+ years (I am 34).  She is a very open and emotionally in-touch kind of person, and I am one who tends to be much more masculine in my feelings and my reactions.  She has shown me how I withdraw, and how it is really hurtful to me instead of helpful to me. (She is an amazing person, and I would not be here today if it was not for her).

What she does if I withdraw is she leads me gently back to her.  You can do things like text him and just say hey, it’s a beautiful day, here is a hug.  Don’t ask him how he is doing, or tell him you are worried about him.  Just open yourself to him and offer yourself without saying a word about his pain, his withdrawal or your worry.

You can also do things like leave him small gifts on his doorstep, like a meal or a movie, or something small that is fun or helpful but not relating, again, to his emotions.

I guess you kind of have to view him a little bit as a rabid dog.  You want to approach him without prodding him, without taking about his pain, and showing him that you are still there, your connection is still there and you will not try to force him into opening up (at this point).

I think once you do that for a while, and stop prodding or prying even as well intentioned as you are, that he will begin to feel safe enough to be around you again. And keep it up even after he comes back.

Then after a while, after he has come back and your relationship is more normal, you can take some of the steps like Rori Raye recommends to get him to open up to you, gently and without him even really knowing it.  Have you read her eBook yet?  If not, I would HIGHLY recommend it to you, because it will really give you some tools you can use to get him to connect with you on an emotional level.

Ho here for Rori Raye’s eBook:  http://www.tinyurl.com/RoriRa

By the way – the alcohol problem DOES need to be addressed, as well, but I think that you should wait to address it until your relationship is back on track, AND until he has connected to you emotionally again as well.  It may heal itself, if not, that WILL need to be addressed.

Love,

Sarah

Follow me on Twitter!  http://www.twitter.com/RelationshipRx

Have the Relationship YOU Want!

If you’re finding yourself being a “Girlfriend,” but he’s just not taking the relationship further, and he’s RESISTING your wishes for a full-on commitment and marriage, I know how stuck you feel.

And feeling stuck is about the worst feeling I can think of.

You can’t get away, and you can’t make things happen the way you want.

You need his co-operation and his DESIRE to get married, but – instead – he’s moving further and further AWAY from you.

You’ve read about my “Circular Dating” (dating lots of men all at the same time, as if they’re “circling” around you…).

You know you shouldn’t be stuck in what I call the “Girlfriend Trap” (where he gets all the good stuff of having a steady woman in his life and his bed, but doesn’t have to worry about real commitment).

You know you should do SOMETHING, but dating other men seems like an IMPOSSIBLE idea, because, like Nancy – you’re EXCLUSIVE!

You’re a “Girlfriend.”

And even THINKING about going out with another man feels horrible.

It feels almost terrifying – like you could destroy the relationship you have now with the man you love.

I know what this feels like to the bottom of my toes – I LIVED with a man for 4 years who never wanted to marry me.

What was I thinking?

Well, I was watching my dreams of weddings and rings and family and children and lifelong happiness just disappear.

And it felt terrible.

And the worst part was – I felt helpless to do anything about it.

Well – you don’t have to suffer like I did.

Here’s a letter from Nancy, who’s stuck just like I was. Let’s pull her situation apart and I’ll show you how to do “Circular Dating” EVEN IF you’re already exclusive with a man:

“Dear Rori, My situation is this. I have dated this wonderful guy for almost 3 yrs. We were exclusive for about 2 yrs, then we broke up because he’s confused about what he wants in life and doesn’t want to hurt me. So I carried on, heartbroken but I did it.

And then came calls and texts from him missing me, so I slowly started to come back around. He is the man I want as a husband and a father one day. He knows all this but he is scared to commit to me.

He always feared marriage. I told him ‘I spend a lot of my time with you and if you can’t commit then I am going to start to date other people.’ I think this scares him but not enough to commit fully. Its not that he wants other women because that’s his last priority. He is a very busy man with work.

What is odd is that he brings up the future talk, wedding, rings, house etc…but never follows thru with buying the ring and going the next step. I just don’t get what to do…I feel bad to date other guys, cause my heart is with this one…What should I do?? Sincerely, Nancy”

Just reading Nancy’s letter makes me feel frustrated and angry – just like I did all those many years ago.

It’s like you’re on the race track of your life, and you’re stuck in first gear.

All the other race cars pass you by.

And the thing is — it’s not your fault!

You’re just the driver.

It’s the CAR that’s stuck in first gear!

Who wouldn’t be mad at the car?

And yet – you have to do something…stop in the pit, change cars, find a different, slower race – something – or you go crazy with frustration and anger.

So, what do you do?

You move AWAY from exclusivity, slowly.

You walk away from the “Trap.”

And Why IS exclusivity a trap?

It’s a trap because ANY man would be happy to be exclusive with you.

This way he gets to reel you in, keep you around, have sex with you, and run the show.

He gets to call the shots – to say he’s “confused” or he’s “not ready” – while your love life – your whole “Happy Ever After” is stuck in the gear of HIM!

You’re tied to HIM as your “Love Car.”

And that makes us feel helpless and crazy, and makes our self-esteem plunge downward more every day.

So, if exclusivity is the trap, how do you get out of the trap without losing your man?

How do you “Circular Date” (dating a lot of men all at the same time, as if they’re all “circling” around you) when you’ve agreed to exclusivity?

How do you move away from exclusivity, while at the same time making HIM want MORE with you?

And how do you do it without breaking up with him?

Here are some steps:

(You can read more about gaining conversational skills and fearlessness in  my ebook on pages 147  through 150.   You can get it here: http://tinyurl.com/RoriRa )

1.Don’t THREATEN.

Notice How Nancy says “I told him ‘I spend a lot of my time with you and if you can’t commit then I am going to start to date other people.’ I think this scares him but not enough to commit fully.”?

Trying to SCARE a man never works.

It feels like a game to him.

On some level, he believes you’ll never leave him.

It has nothing to do with what you say.

And it doesn’t have anything to do with what you DO, either.

Yes – you could even actually DATE other men, but if you’re doing it to spite him, or as a game or strategy – he’ll feel it for what it really is – DESPERATION.

You’ll feel even MORE clingy and desperate to him, and he’ll just back away more.

So don’t threaten to date other men. Don’t even talk about it with him until you get the only thing that’s REALLY important:

2. Understand that YOU hold all the power.

This seems hard to get – I mean, if you want to commit and he doesn’t, it feels like HE has all the power – but he DOESN’T – YOU DO.

You have what he wants. You have what he’s attracted to.

You don’t have to DO anything to show him you have the power – you just have to FEEL it.

So go ahead and talk yourself into this.

Just keep imagining that you’re holding your man in the palm of your hand.

3. Date Yourself and Flirt

…For now – Do this:

Make a list of things you like to do OUTSIDE (not in your home) – at places where there are men.

Then get dressed up so YOU feel attractive and turned on to YOU – and go out.

The idea is to have fun and practice my Tools with every man you meet, no matter who he is.

And part of simply being who you are and having fun will be “Flirting.”

That means you smile and hold eye contact, and get curious about every man you meet.

It means you practice being a magnet for men.

Flirting means you’re just having fun, practicing my Tools, making and holding eye contact, smiling – and that just HAPPENS to look like Flirting!

4. Tell your man you love him and that you can’t be exclusive right now…

This is the big one.

In order to do this, you have to have men asking for your phone number, you have to have men friends to spend time with, and you have to have your Dating Yourself and Flirting stuff happening.

Automatically, men will be attracted to you.

Sooner or later, you’ll get an offer you don’t really want to turn down.

When that happens, you write a speech to the man you’re with saying that “he’s entitled to take all the time he needs to decide about committing to a lifelong relationship with you, and that you feel awful waiting around, it’s making you feel insecure and frustrated and you don’t want to feel that way, and that other men are starting to ask you out and you want to feel free to explore your options until he makes a decision.”

This is NOT an ultimatum.

This is NOT a Threat.

This is a simple, easy-going statement of YOU taking CARE of YOURSELF!

He may come back with a “Well – then I’ll just date other women..”

He may call you selfish and a bitch.

He may get very, very angry.

And this is GOOD!

I told you that you have all the power – and your ability to make him angry at the thought he can no longer “string you along” is proof of that!

Do not rise to the bait.

Do not argue, explain, defend, get angry, or tell him anything except…

“Well, I don’t want you to date other women, I want you all to myself. And it doesn’t feel good to me to let you have me all to yourself until you’re ready to commit. I won’t be able to handle your dating other women.”

And then turn around and walk away.

I know this is a lot to absorb.

Let me know how it works for you… and please, treat yourself to my eBook Have The Relationship YOU Want and learn everything you can do, starting today, to really turn your relationship around.

http://tinyurl.com/RoriRa

Love, Rori