Here is Rori’s story about her own relationship and how she healed her relationship by doing exactly the opposite of what she had been doing for a very long time.

Have you ever felt like your relationship is just drifting away from you?  And your heart feels like it’s taken a direct hit?  Where you feel absolutely wounded?

I remember feeling so NEGLECTED by my husband.  There was so much frustration and sadness in the space between him and me, on top of all the sleepless, miserable nights I spent alone – curled up on the rug, crying, or just walking the house while he slept.  What I wanted, what I NEEDED, was HEALING.  I needed someone to wave a magic wand over me and heal my relationship, and then heal my heart.

I tried therapists and healers of all kinds, and the hole in my heart just got deeper and deeper, and the distance between my husband and I just got bigger and bigger.   What I didn’t know then was that not only could I heal myself, and fast, but that I could heal my relationship, too.

I spent so much time trying to figure my husband out, and figure out why things were going wrong, and figuring out how to GET HIM TO DO what I wanted him to do and ACT how I wanted him to ACT.  But every time I opened my mouth, it was like he was telling me with the look on his face and the coldness of his body language that I’d once again “put my foot in it.”

Every time I tried to “talk” about what was going on with us, it backfired.   Things just got worse and worse, to where I was afraid to even speak.  And remember, I was a fairly successful person in every other part of my life – I was outgoing, smart, a working actress. I’d even learned how to put a business together on my own.  But here I was – afraid to SPEAK to my husband.

So there I was, walking on eggshells during the day and staying up all night trying to figure things out.  And everything I was doing was more damaging than if I’d done nothing.  Walking on eggshells was destroying trust in my marriage.  He stopped trying to communicate with me.  And I, so frustrated by not being able to have things the way I wanted, started doing even MORE of it MYSELF.

I was carrying my household, my life, and my marriage all in my own arms – all by myself.  If this sounds familiar, know that you can turn this around like I did, using the Tools I created for myself.  I was doing so much “figuring out,” it was taking up all my time and energy.

Until I finally “figured out” how to undo all the damage my “figuring out” had done, how to truly CONNECT with my husband again, and how to HEAL my relationship – all in ONE MOMENT!  And that was the moment I STOPPED trying to Figure Things Out.

I’d been so tense and overworked and anxious, I’d just kept going, no matter what.  I’d been jumping over obstacles I’d created for myself, I’d worked hard to fix things, and I’d worked hard at being cheerful and positive.  I could have exploded.  I could have blown a fuse or gotten really sick.

Instead, in a moment of utter frustration, I just STOPPED.  I sat down on the floor and didn’t have dinner ready.   I stayed on the floor, watching my daughter play with a toy, and I didn’t get up to welcome my husband home.  I could hear the coldness in his voice and even though I felt the fear in my body screaming at me that I would lose everything if I didn’t jump up and make everything “better,” I stayed put.

I didn’t try to make everything “better.”   Instead, I watched our daughter play on the floor right in front of me.  I watched my husband go straight to her, hug and cuddle and kiss her and practically IGNORE ME, and then cuddle and kiss our cat and IGNORE ME, and I sat there, feeling like I was dying without his attention, affection and love.

And then, in two completely surprising minutes, it all changed.  As he walked away from our daughter and our cat and went to take his work clothes off, I could feel my mind running, spinning, going a mile a minute trying to figure out HIS mind.  I thought and tried to “figure things out” through every second of those two very long  minutes.

I MADE myself stay on the floor and not run after him to ask how his day went and be a “good” wife even though I worked, too.   And then the Magic Wand appeared.  It was like a moment of light and quiet in my dark and busy mind.   Just as I’d simply NOT gotten off the floor, I stopped thinking.

I focused on my daughter, looked at her face, looked at the paintings on the walls, looked at my own clothes and started thinking about how fun it would be to go shopping for MYSELF instead of the HOUSEHOLD, and before I knew it an amazing thing happened.

He walked over to me.  He sat down next to me.  I thought he was there for our daughter, but he was there for ME.  He looked at me.  I smiled at him.  And in that one moment, we CONNECTED.

If you had told me then that just NOT doing what I always did (and it might be different things for you that you always do and can stop doing) would make so much difference in my relationship, I would have rolled my eyes.  I never would have believed you.

From there, I started feeling stronger.  I stopped doing more and more, and to my never- ending surprise, the less I did, the more space I allowed between us, the CLOSER he wanted to come to me!

And then, even more amazingly, as I started practicing this early version of my LeanBack Tool, I started to feel different inside.   I got my confidence back.  I started to FEEL more powerful.  I saw that my husband craved closeness as much as I did, he just didn’t know how to do it.  He couldn’t put his finger on what was pushing him away from me.

He wanted to cuddle.  He wanted to initiate sex.  Actually, he wanted to Make Love to me.  He started looking FORWARD to bedtime and cuddling up and kissing. He could never have given me the advice I needed to inspire him like this, because he didn’t understand it himself.  (I still don’t talk about any of this to him, not because I want to keep secrets, but because it’s not about HIM!)  And this is where the HEALING happens.   By staying put on the floor, I was paying attention to ME.  By not jumping up and all of a sudden making him the focus of my life, I was focusing on MYSELF and what felt good to ME at the moment, which was sitting and watching my daughter.

(And by the way, you may have done these kinds of things before – pulling away, not doing what you may have done for him before, but out of ANGER and RESENTMENT.   And the key to the whole thing working is that as soon as my man DID come over and sit beside me – I SMILED.  I was warm, I welcomed him.  If I had been angry or resentful, he likely would have felt it and not come over and sat down at all, or he would have gotten up quickly, or turned his full attention to our daughter instead of to me.

If I’d been UNWELCOMING, I might have gotten totally involved in playing with our daughter and hardly even LOOKED at him.  I might have deliberately, or unconsciously SHUT HIM OUT.  I would have been cold.   And that made all the difference.

And that’s how I healed my relationship.  Practically overnight.  And now you can do it, too.

Hi Sarah,

I have a question for which I need some relationship advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, but recently about 4 months back his parents decided to separate and get a divorce.  My boyfriend is 27, (and I’m 26) and he has taken the divorce really badly, and has been forced to choose sides.  He has been using tranquilizers and alcohol to kill the pain and as an escape from the situation.

He told me that he needs time and space to be alone.  I have given him space, though it’s really hard… I haven’t seen him in four weeks.

He is a great guy, kind and affectionate, really funny and loves life, though now I feel with the divorce situation he is losing his love of life, and I really worry for him. He has just stopped calling of late, and whenever I call he does not pick my call, and he doesn’t call back. So I haven’t called or texted him for a couple of days.
I have read all the articles, about not calling a guy, that they like the chase, but isn’t this situation different since he is going through a hard time in life?
My questions are how can I reach out to him when he doesn’t pick the call?  Should I keep calling him or will that turn him off? Should I text him, even though I don’t get a reply?
And is the fact that he doesn’t call a sign that our relationship is not going in the right way?
I feel our great relationship is slipping away…

I’m very confused with the whole situation; I need your help and advice!

Thank you!

Marie

Hey Marie-

Anyway, I see that your situation IS different, and I think we need to treat this not even so much as a relationship question, but as a question of humanity.  I can also address this from my own experience, as well.

I am one of those people, too, who tend to withdraw automatically when facing great hurt or pain.  It’s not so much that he does not want to see you or talk to you; I think it’s that he wants to ignore the pain, and push down his feelings because they HURT.  He may be lying there crying at night or in the shower where no one can see him, and wishing desperately that you were there, but at the same time, being unable to reach out to you.

Ironically, for me, the key to understanding this about myself has been my best friend.  I have been friends with my best friend, Marilyn, for….wow, going on 27+ years (I am 34).  She is a very open and emotionally in-touch kind of person, and I am one who tends to be much more masculine in my feelings and my reactions.  She has shown me how I withdraw, and how it is really hurtful to me instead of helpful to me. (She is an amazing person, and I would not be here today if it was not for her).

What she does if I withdraw is she leads me gently back to her.  You can do things like text him and just say hey, it’s a beautiful day, here is a hug.  Don’t ask him how he is doing, or tell him you are worried about him.  Just open yourself to him and offer yourself without saying a word about his pain, his withdrawal or your worry.

You can also do things like leave him small gifts on his doorstep, like a meal or a movie, or something small that is fun or helpful but not relating, again, to his emotions.

I guess you kind of have to view him a little bit as a rabid dog.  You want to approach him without prodding him, without taking about his pain, and showing him that you are still there, your connection is still there and you will not try to force him into opening up (at this point).

I think once you do that for a while, and stop prodding or prying even as well intentioned as you are, that he will begin to feel safe enough to be around you again. And keep it up even after he comes back.

Then after a while, after he has come back and your relationship is more normal, you can take some of the steps like Rori Raye recommends to get him to open up to you, gently and without him even really knowing it.  Have you read her eBook yet?  If not, I would HIGHLY recommend it to you, because it will really give you some tools you can use to get him to connect with you on an emotional level.

Ho here for Rori Raye’s eBook:  http://www.tinyurl.com/RoriRa

By the way – the alcohol problem DOES need to be addressed, as well, but I think that you should wait to address it until your relationship is back on track, AND until he has connected to you emotionally again as well.  It may heal itself, if not, that WILL need to be addressed.

Love,

Sarah

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It’s easy to automatically think that the other person feels the same way we do.  The fear that we may be wrong prevents us from talking about it.  So many people believe they are in an exclusive relationship when the other person just sees him or her as one of many available options.

There are at least 5 very easy ways to avoid confusion as to where you stand:

(For more info on getting what YOU want out of a relationship click HERE now)
1.You and a man you are seeing should have a talk about your feelings about each other and about how you two feel about seeing other people.  If he does not want to share you with other men, he will make sure you know this.  But make sure he will reciprocate. Sometimes a man is capable of building a harem with women who are faithful to him while he still allows himself all the ladies he wants.  If he wants a harem then you are free to date whoever you want.  Just remember the two of you are no more than friends with benefits.

Last night Scot and I went out to a live music dance club.  This place is special to me because it is where he made me more than just a friend.  Scot let me know his intentions to be good to me and protect my heart.  He asked me to be his girlfriend–for us to be in an exclusive relationship with each other.  This was made very clear without doubts.

Remember:  If you have to ask then you are not exclusive.

2.If a man is focusing on you alone, he will want to see you as often as he can in a week–especially if you live in the same city and work allows free time.  Seeing each other at least three times a week portends this fairly accurately.  Men and women only have so many days out of the week to go out on dates.  Are those times spent with you or are they shared with a list of other women?  If you only see him every other week, then most likely you’re not the only one he is seeing.

3.A man who is interested only in you looks forward to making plans for weekends with you, and may be planning trips for the two of you to go on.  While it’s true he may be spontaneous and call you at the last minute to join him for an outing, a good sign that he has a harem is that he always waits until the last minute to ask you out.  This usually happens because he’s not so sure if the one he asked as his first choice will show up.  Maybe she even canceled on him.  Don’t confuse this with spontaneity.   I’m not talking about a surprise or a gift; I’m talking about if the “last minute notice” is a habit.  He is waiting to see if someone better to go out with will be available, as being pinned down to plans does not leave him options.  Think about this if he calls you Friday at 6:00 to invite you to a concert for that day, and he had the tickets for 3 months.  Why would he not give you more notice? Because the person he planned to take flaked out on him, that’s why.  If you did not know about it at all the aabsolutely was a girl who flaked out not one of the guys.

4.As his exclusive girlfriend if you need to reach him for something important, he is ok with you calling him at home or on his cell phone any time of the day or night.  But if you are part of a harem, there are rules like not calling at night or on hishome phone.  Also you always seem to get voice mail, having to wait for when it is convenient for him to call you and talk.  If he leaves on a trip and will not talk to you while he is gone, then this is a red flag that he has at least one other girlfriend or maybe even a wife.

5.The famous words of a harem builder is “I would love to settle down when the right women comes along”.  This statement is used to pose a challenge to you, which will make you feel that you have toprove that you are the right woman and that if you stick around he will figure that out eventually.  After you have been dating for a few months things should be moving forward, in an exclusiverelationship.  Not that you have a ring on your finger yet,  but that you have conversations about the future together, kids, and getting to know one another.  This also needs to be demonstrated with actions, not just words.  An example would be going from seeing you once a week in the start of a relationship to increasing it over time to 2, 3, or 4 times a week.

If a relationship you are in has been on for a while but is the same as day one, it’s time to consider what we’ve talked about today as a very possible reason why.

Have fun,

Emily McKay

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