I am sure that you have heard the catch phrase saying that men and women are two sides of the same coin or men are from Mars and Women are from Venus – or whatever it is you would like to say. Most people agree (including Christian carter) that men and women communicate in essentially different ways, though, no matter how you say it (I guess that is a bad pun!).

What most WOMEN need to realize, though, is that it is OK to NOT know, or even understand, what your man is thinking. Christian Carter stresses this in Catch Him and Keep Him, and says that this kind of rift is to be expected – after all – even Edward Cullen can’t read Bella’s mind!

One of the key mistakes that women make in relationships, though, stems from this urge to always know or understand what their man is thinking – we try to get HIM to VALIDATE what WE are thinking or feeling, because we feel it is essential to the understanding that we crave as women. (Christian Carter goes into this in depth in the Catch Him and Keep Him eBook, beginning on page 19).

So let’s take a minute to think about what Christian Carter is saying here …

1) Guys and gals think and react differently to almost every situation
2) Therefore – being unable (and UNEQUIPPED) to understand each other all the time is par for the course
3) If, then, we can expect to not understand men all the time, nor they us, how is it that we expect them to be ABLE to validate our feelings
4) If men are UNABLE to validate our feelings, why do we ask it of them, providing them with frustration for something they cannot do?

In other words, when you try to make a man validate your feelings – when you try to CONVINCE him to understand what you are feeling, saying or trying to do – you are, in essence, forcing him to conform to your ideas. Another way to say it is that you are trying to get him to tell you that what you are feeling is ok – like if he goes out with his friends for a night out and you get mad – perhaps you try to “talk” to him and MAKE him see how what he did it detrimental to your relationship – you are trying to get him to validate your feelings.

For men, Christian Carter says, this feels like needy behavior and many times they will agree with you just to make you stop. Not good. Mind you – Christian Carter is not saying it IS necessarily needy behavior, but he is saying it is how it is usually viewed by men.

As a woman, then, what should we DO about this validation problem?

The very simple answer to that is STOP. SCREW VALIDATION. You feel what you feel, and you are entitled to feel what you feel. You don’t have to have permission from your man to feel the way you do, and in truth, he does not have to understand it. So give YOURSELF permission to experience your own emotions and to have your own feelings. THEN, give everyone else permission not to agree with them. It does not matter if they agree or not. The feelings are YOURS. Christian Carter says that the confidence alone that comes from knowing you need no one else’s validation is a HUGE attraction boost, and will help you to Catch him and Keep Him.

Click here for more information on Christian Carter and Catch and Keep Him, and his philosophies that have changed womens’ lives.

As women, we are often taught to approach things within a relationship in a manner that is 100% the opposite of helpful behavior. It’s not our fault – because often the approach we use and the behavior we display SOUNDS completely rational.

I mean, if your boyfriend is pulling away and you show him that you need him, as a man, as a caregiver and protector, that should make him want you more, right? Show him your vulnerability and, if he is a real man, he will want to soothe it and make it go away.

Actually – when you are dealing with a fear of commitment, that is incorrect.

Here is a great question from a reader on HER experience with fear of commitment:

Dear Sarah,

I have a boyfriend with fear of commitment. He wants me to wear a promise ring but he has such a fear about marriage that when he fell in love with me he started getting distant & I couldn’t talk about the future with him without him looking like a deer caught in headlights! So I gave his ring back & told him I couldn’t promise him I wouldn’t date, but he said he wasn’t going to. He is going to a counselor for help. He was bringing me down, he was hot then cold, that hurt me so that’s when I gave the ring back. When I didn’t see him for 2 weeks .and told him I dated another man, he was crushed! He did not believe I would do that. I love him, what do I do to get him over this fear of commitment? Please help me!

Sincerely,

C

My answer to C…

Thank you for writing in with your relationship problems. C- fear of commitment is such a common problem in relationships today; you need to know that you are not alone! The wonderful thing is, you are handling this correctly. Let me explain.

One of the first reactions that women have when faced with fear of commitment is to become demanding, needy or clingy. The thought process behind this actually causes more relationship problems than it fixes, though. When a woman becomes clingy or needy, instead of a man rising to the occasion and helping her like she dreams he will, he often pulls away, becoming distant or hot/cold.

Instead, if you use a tactic like Leaning Back, such as Rori Raye describes in her Have the Relationship You Want eBook, you are much more likely to get the results you are looking for and end your relationship problems.

Now, what you are doing is correct. You need to lean back, as Rori Raye says, and give HIM the space to Lean Forward. By you dating other men and showing him that you will not be bound by a commitment he is not willing to make, you are showing him that you are independent of him, in demand and not going to wait around. It’s perfect!

I know it may not FEEL like you are doing the right thing, because he is hurting because of it. BUT – if he is going to make a genuine commitment to you, then he needs to do it and quit walking the edge between commitment and freedom. If he will not give you the commitment, then he IS giving you freedom – and you need to take it. It’s either one or the other – there IS no in between.

A promise ring, in my mind, represents an immature commitment. Either hi will or he won’t – he cannot promise to promise, if you know what I mean. And as long as you are NOT committed to him, then you need to be dating other people and learning what else is out there. So in spite of what your emotions are telling you – feeling guilty about his pain, wanting to “fix” what is wrong with him by giving in and letting things go back to the way they were – you are CORRECT in dating other people and refusing a “half-commitment” when dealing with fear of commitment from your boyfriend.

To read more on how to deal with fear of commitment, educate yourself by visiting the section on Rori Raye on my website by clicking here: Rori Raye.

It’s easy to automatically think that the other person feels the same way we do.  The fear that we may be wrong prevents us from talking about it.  So many people believe they are in an exclusive relationship when the other person just sees him or her as one of many available options.

There are at least 5 very easy ways to avoid confusion as to where you stand:

(For more info on getting what YOU want out of a relationship click HERE now)
1.You and a man you are seeing should have a talk about your feelings about each other and about how you two feel about seeing other people.  If he does not want to share you with other men, he will make sure you know this.  But make sure he will reciprocate. Sometimes a man is capable of building a harem with women who are faithful to him while he still allows himself all the ladies he wants.  If he wants a harem then you are free to date whoever you want.  Just remember the two of you are no more than friends with benefits.

Last night Scot and I went out to a live music dance club.  This place is special to me because it is where he made me more than just a friend.  Scot let me know his intentions to be good to me and protect my heart.  He asked me to be his girlfriend–for us to be in an exclusive relationship with each other.  This was made very clear without doubts.

Remember:  If you have to ask then you are not exclusive.

2.If a man is focusing on you alone, he will want to see you as often as he can in a week–especially if you live in the same city and work allows free time.  Seeing each other at least three times a week portends this fairly accurately.  Men and women only have so many days out of the week to go out on dates.  Are those times spent with you or are they shared with a list of other women?  If you only see him every other week, then most likely you’re not the only one he is seeing.

3.A man who is interested only in you looks forward to making plans for weekends with you, and may be planning trips for the two of you to go on.  While it’s true he may be spontaneous and call you at the last minute to join him for an outing, a good sign that he has a harem is that he always waits until the last minute to ask you out.  This usually happens because he’s not so sure if the one he asked as his first choice will show up.  Maybe she even canceled on him.  Don’t confuse this with spontaneity.   I’m not talking about a surprise or a gift; I’m talking about if the “last minute notice” is a habit.  He is waiting to see if someone better to go out with will be available, as being pinned down to plans does not leave him options.  Think about this if he calls you Friday at 6:00 to invite you to a concert for that day, and he had the tickets for 3 months.  Why would he not give you more notice? Because the person he planned to take flaked out on him, that’s why.  If you did not know about it at all the aabsolutely was a girl who flaked out not one of the guys.

4.As his exclusive girlfriend if you need to reach him for something important, he is ok with you calling him at home or on his cell phone any time of the day or night.  But if you are part of a harem, there are rules like not calling at night or on hishome phone.  Also you always seem to get voice mail, having to wait for when it is convenient for him to call you and talk.  If he leaves on a trip and will not talk to you while he is gone, then this is a red flag that he has at least one other girlfriend or maybe even a wife.

5.The famous words of a harem builder is “I would love to settle down when the right women comes along”.  This statement is used to pose a challenge to you, which will make you feel that you have toprove that you are the right woman and that if you stick around he will figure that out eventually.  After you have been dating for a few months things should be moving forward, in an exclusiverelationship.  Not that you have a ring on your finger yet,  but that you have conversations about the future together, kids, and getting to know one another.  This also needs to be demonstrated with actions, not just words.  An example would be going from seeing you once a week in the start of a relationship to increasing it over time to 2, 3, or 4 times a week.

If a relationship you are in has been on for a while but is the same as day one, it’s time to consider what we’ve talked about today as a very possible reason why.

Have fun,

Emily McKay

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