Have the Relationship YOU Want!
If you’re finding yourself being a “Girlfriend,” but he’s just not taking the relationship further, and he’s RESISTING your wishes for a full-on commitment and marriage, I know how stuck you feel.
And feeling stuck is about the worst feeling I can think of.
You can’t get away, and you can’t make things happen the way you want.
You need his co-operation and his DESIRE to get married, but – instead – he’s moving further and further AWAY from you.
You’ve read about my “Circular Dating” (dating lots of men all at the same time, as if they’re “circling” around you…).
You know you shouldn’t be stuck in what I call the “Girlfriend Trap” (where he gets all the good stuff of having a steady woman in his life and his bed, but doesn’t have to worry about real commitment).
You know you should do SOMETHING, but dating other men seems like an IMPOSSIBLE idea, because, like Nancy – you’re EXCLUSIVE!
You’re a “Girlfriend.”
And even THINKING about going out with another man feels horrible.
It feels almost terrifying – like you could destroy the relationship you have now with the man you love.
I know what this feels like to the bottom of my toes – I LIVED with a man for 4 years who never wanted to marry me.
What was I thinking?
Well, I was watching my dreams of weddings and rings and family and children and lifelong happiness just disappear.
And it felt terrible.
And the worst part was – I felt helpless to do anything about it.
Well – you don’t have to suffer like I did.
Here’s a letter from Nancy, who’s stuck just like I was. Let’s pull her situation apart and I’ll show you how to do “Circular Dating” EVEN IF you’re already exclusive with a man:
“Dear Rori, My situation is this. I have dated this wonderful guy for almost 3 yrs. We were exclusive for about 2 yrs, then we broke up because he’s confused about what he wants in life and doesn’t want to hurt me. So I carried on, heartbroken but I did it.
And then came calls and texts from him missing me, so I slowly started to come back around. He is the man I want as a husband and a father one day. He knows all this but he is scared to commit to me.
He always feared marriage. I told him ‘I spend a lot of my time with you and if you can’t commit then I am going to start to date other people.’ I think this scares him but not enough to commit fully. Its not that he wants other women because that’s his last priority. He is a very busy man with work.
What is odd is that he brings up the future talk, wedding, rings, house etc…but never follows thru with buying the ring and going the next step. I just don’t get what to do…I feel bad to date other guys, cause my heart is with this one…What should I do?? Sincerely, Nancy”
Just reading Nancy’s letter makes me feel frustrated and angry – just like I did all those many years ago.
It’s like you’re on the race track of your life, and you’re stuck in first gear.
All the other race cars pass you by.
And the thing is — it’s not your fault!
You’re just the driver.
It’s the CAR that’s stuck in first gear!
Who wouldn’t be mad at the car?
And yet – you have to do something…stop in the pit, change cars, find a different, slower race – something – or you go crazy with frustration and anger.
So, what do you do?
You move AWAY from exclusivity, slowly.
You walk away from the “Trap.”
And Why IS exclusivity a trap?
It’s a trap because ANY man would be happy to be exclusive with you.
This way he gets to reel you in, keep you around, have sex with you, and run the show.
He gets to call the shots – to say he’s “confused” or he’s “not ready” – while your love life – your whole “Happy Ever After” is stuck in the gear of HIM!
You’re tied to HIM as your “Love Car.”
And that makes us feel helpless and crazy, and makes our self-esteem plunge downward more every day.
So, if exclusivity is the trap, how do you get out of the trap without losing your man?
How do you “Circular Date” (dating a lot of men all at the same time, as if they’re all “circling” around you) when you’ve agreed to exclusivity?
How do you move away from exclusivity, while at the same time making HIM want MORE with you?
And how do you do it without breaking up with him?
Here are some steps:
(You can read more about gaining conversational skills and fearlessness in my ebook on pages 147 through 150. You can get it here: http://tinyurl.com/RoriRa )
1.Don’t THREATEN.
Notice How Nancy says “I told him ‘I spend a lot of my time with you and if you can’t commit then I am going to start to date other people.’ I think this scares him but not enough to commit fully.”?
Trying to SCARE a man never works.
It feels like a game to him.
On some level, he believes you’ll never leave him.
It has nothing to do with what you say.
And it doesn’t have anything to do with what you DO, either.
Yes – you could even actually DATE other men, but if you’re doing it to spite him, or as a game or strategy – he’ll feel it for what it really is – DESPERATION.
You’ll feel even MORE clingy and desperate to him, and he’ll just back away more.
So don’t threaten to date other men. Don’t even talk about it with him until you get the only thing that’s REALLY important:
2. Understand that YOU hold all the power.
This seems hard to get – I mean, if you want to commit and he doesn’t, it feels like HE has all the power – but he DOESN’T – YOU DO.
You have what he wants. You have what he’s attracted to.
You don’t have to DO anything to show him you have the power – you just have to FEEL it.
So go ahead and talk yourself into this.
Just keep imagining that you’re holding your man in the palm of your hand.
3. Date Yourself and Flirt
…For now – Do this:
Make a list of things you like to do OUTSIDE (not in your home) – at places where there are men.
Then get dressed up so YOU feel attractive and turned on to YOU – and go out.
The idea is to have fun and practice my Tools with every man you meet, no matter who he is.
And part of simply being who you are and having fun will be “Flirting.”
That means you smile and hold eye contact, and get curious about every man you meet.
It means you practice being a magnet for men.
Flirting means you’re just having fun, practicing my Tools, making and holding eye contact, smiling – and that just HAPPENS to look like Flirting!
4. Tell your man you love him and that you can’t be exclusive right now…
This is the big one.
In order to do this, you have to have men asking for your phone number, you have to have men friends to spend time with, and you have to have your Dating Yourself and Flirting stuff happening.
Automatically, men will be attracted to you.
Sooner or later, you’ll get an offer you don’t really want to turn down.
When that happens, you write a speech to the man you’re with saying that “he’s entitled to take all the time he needs to decide about committing to a lifelong relationship with you, and that you feel awful waiting around, it’s making you feel insecure and frustrated and you don’t want to feel that way, and that other men are starting to ask you out and you want to feel free to explore your options until he makes a decision.”
This is NOT an ultimatum.
This is NOT a Threat.
This is a simple, easy-going statement of YOU taking CARE of YOURSELF!
He may come back with a “Well – then I’ll just date other women..”
He may call you selfish and a bitch.
He may get very, very angry.
And this is GOOD!
I told you that you have all the power – and your ability to make him angry at the thought he can no longer “string you along” is proof of that!
Do not rise to the bait.
Do not argue, explain, defend, get angry, or tell him anything except…
“Well, I don’t want you to date other women, I want you all to myself. And it doesn’t feel good to me to let you have me all to yourself until you’re ready to commit. I won’t be able to handle your dating other women.”
And then turn around and walk away.
I know this is a lot to absorb.
Let me know how it works for you… and please, treat yourself to my eBook Have The Relationship YOU Want and learn everything you can do, starting today, to really turn your relationship around.
http://tinyurl.com/RoriRa
Love, Rori
]]>