Hi Sarah,

I have a question for which I need some relationship advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, but recently about 4 months back his parents decided to separate and get a divorce.  My boyfriend is 27, (and I’m 26) and he has taken the divorce really badly, and has been forced to choose sides.  He has been using tranquilizers and alcohol to kill the pain and as an escape from the situation.

He told me that he needs time and space to be alone.  I have given him space, though it’s really hard… I haven’t seen him in four weeks.

He is a great guy, kind and affectionate, really funny and loves life, though now I feel with the divorce situation he is losing his love of life, and I really worry for him. He has just stopped calling of late, and whenever I call he does not pick my call, and he doesn’t call back. So I haven’t called or texted him for a couple of days.
I have read all the articles, about not calling a guy, that they like the chase, but isn’t this situation different since he is going through a hard time in life?
My questions are how can I reach out to him when he doesn’t pick the call?  Should I keep calling him or will that turn him off? Should I text him, even though I don’t get a reply?
And is the fact that he doesn’t call a sign that our relationship is not going in the right way?
I feel our great relationship is slipping away…

I’m very confused with the whole situation; I need your help and advice!

Thank you!

Marie

Hey Marie-

Anyway, I see that your situation IS different, and I think we need to treat this not even so much as a relationship question, but as a question of humanity.  I can also address this from my own experience, as well.

I am one of those people, too, who tend to withdraw automatically when facing great hurt or pain.  It’s not so much that he does not want to see you or talk to you; I think it’s that he wants to ignore the pain, and push down his feelings because they HURT.  He may be lying there crying at night or in the shower where no one can see him, and wishing desperately that you were there, but at the same time, being unable to reach out to you.

Ironically, for me, the key to understanding this about myself has been my best friend.  I have been friends with my best friend, Marilyn, for….wow, going on 27+ years (I am 34).  She is a very open and emotionally in-touch kind of person, and I am one who tends to be much more masculine in my feelings and my reactions.  She has shown me how I withdraw, and how it is really hurtful to me instead of helpful to me. (She is an amazing person, and I would not be here today if it was not for her).

What she does if I withdraw is she leads me gently back to her.  You can do things like text him and just say hey, it’s a beautiful day, here is a hug.  Don’t ask him how he is doing, or tell him you are worried about him.  Just open yourself to him and offer yourself without saying a word about his pain, his withdrawal or your worry.

You can also do things like leave him small gifts on his doorstep, like a meal or a movie, or something small that is fun or helpful but not relating, again, to his emotions.

I guess you kind of have to view him a little bit as a rabid dog.  You want to approach him without prodding him, without taking about his pain, and showing him that you are still there, your connection is still there and you will not try to force him into opening up (at this point).

I think once you do that for a while, and stop prodding or prying even as well intentioned as you are, that he will begin to feel safe enough to be around you again. And keep it up even after he comes back.

Then after a while, after he has come back and your relationship is more normal, you can take some of the steps like Rori Raye recommends to get him to open up to you, gently and without him even really knowing it.  Have you read her eBook yet?  If not, I would HIGHLY recommend it to you, because it will really give you some tools you can use to get him to connect with you on an emotional level.

Ho here for Rori Raye’s eBook:  http://www.tinyurl.com/RoriRa

By the way – the alcohol problem DOES need to be addressed, as well, but I think that you should wait to address it until your relationship is back on track, AND until he has connected to you emotionally again as well.  It may heal itself, if not, that WILL need to be addressed.

Love,

Sarah

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